...Toes in the water. Ass in the sand. Not a worry in the world, a chubby pup in my hands... 

Today we play.

Like most people, I am not a stranger to death. I have been around those who have fallen ill & not recovered. Old people in my life have stopped getting older, as have some young people. I have buried dear pets & a little bunny that met an unfortunate end during the lawn mowing accident of 1980'something.

Yet until now, I have not regularly been around an actively dying being. This year has changed me dramatically. In January Zig was clearly not well, I felt a shift in him (don't worry I'm not going all woo-woo). He had prior health issues. But this was different. He was dying. I tried my best to be okay (what a crock of shit the idea of "preparing" is) and figured he would either recover to my pleasant surprise, or - you guessed it - die. I never imagined that 6 months later he'd still be here... And still be dying... And doing a beautiful job of it.

This is quite frankly the most confusing thing I've ever been a party to. I mean, death is supposed to just happen, not be all drawn out unless there's some debilitating illness. But even then, at the end of the episode the person dies. There is grieving & closure and a new episode automatically begins in 20 seconds (love the Netflix autoplay feature). At least that's how it works on House, so it should be so in the real world too, right? Wrong.

I've done a lot of reading about the end stages of life, usually in small doses as it can be intensely overwhelming. As I expected, the timeline for actively dying is unique to each of us. As I did not expect, it can range from hours, to days, to months or even years. Admittedly my initial reaction went a little something like this: What in the fucking fuck fuck? How is it a good idea to draw out death out like that?

After living it for some time, my perspective has changed. What a gift it is to live slower, to spend more time at home without the noise & distractions of the world, to love deeper, to appreciate every morning that our eyes open and every evening that we climb in bed, to reminisce on the wonderful memories we've made so far & to JUST BE.