Beginning to the End & Back Again

It’s been awhile, a couple seasons have come and gone since I last posted. It wasn’t my intention to go this long. Much has changed and much has stayed the same. I have changed and I have stayed the same. Mr. Pip is here, Renwick Pip. He brings light & love daily and I adore him. I will properly introduce Renny soon, I promise…

EDIT: Promise kept. Learn all about Renwick here: www.chewstobegood.com

In 2017, I dreaded the coming of autumn. Inherently, I knew when the leaves fell it would be both an end & beginning extending well beyond the seasons. More times than I can count, I cried at the back door watching as the first round floated casually to the ground. And as October closed so happened the complete break of my heart, just as expected.

The trees were nearly bare when Ziggaro died. And with his death too came the most awful of beginnings, which I staunchly resisted and refused to embrace. The days, weeks and many months following were the saddest of my entire existence. While it’s ultimately true - there is always beauty and growth in pain - you must get out of your own way to see it. After what felt like a million years, I finally did. And not entirely by choice, I was simply exhausted into submission because the only alternative was autumn'ing myself, which was never really an option - what an injustice that would have been to the love between Mr. (Ziggaro) Pip and me. So thus, here I am.

There can be no beginnings without endings and no endings without beginnings, they really are one in the same. Last year, I watched Renny experience life he'd never seen or heard. It was his first autumn and even the most everyday of things were all new. He was enamored with the very same leaves floating through the air that I'd wept at the year before. Sometimes he stood completely still at the back door, almost reverently so, simply watching. And I was enamored with him, he kept me busy and I focused everything I had on him.

Renny was mostly a timid and anxious puppy. I think some of it was nature, and a lot of it nurture. When he came home to us in February of 2018, I was still so out of whack. He felt it all and reacted accordingly, so we were both out of whack, it was a stressful little circle I created. We played and trained and played some more. Everything I did never felt like enough. He continued to be a world-class whiner, seemingly incapable of relaxing & enjoying anything. Again, I found myself exhausted.

Then recently, by sheer accident, I caught a glimpse of the real problem in the mirror. It became so immediately clear, how did it go unseen all this time? It was ME all along. And I saw the key - it was ME too. Amazing how something so simple can take much effort to correct. Having to concentrate on relaxing is hard, like really hard, and feels ridiculously backwards. But I’m trying.

I know I’m getting it because Renny’s demeanor is slowly shifting. He chills out and is generally easier going. We play and have genuine in the moment fun, then he contently hangs out while I do people stuff. He still won’t let strangers come close or touch him, but I’m not a fan of that either. So yea, that’s next on my list. Although I’ll never be a warm-fuzzy-touchy-feely kind of person, I’m sure there’s a middle ground to find. One step at a time.

Now a change of season is upon us again. Last night a falling leaf brushed my shoulder. I thought of Ziggaro as a brand new puppy when he chased leaves swirling in the wind, and of Renwick last year watching them float to the ground in awe. And I felt happy. And it felt good. And I realized that this year I am actually looking forward to everything autumn will bring. For this life we lead sure is a miraculous thing - from beginning to the end & back again.