For 5 or so years this was our routine... Wake up, go outside, head to the kitchen. I'd make coffee and little cheese balls with his medicine in the middle. He'd happily scarf them down. Then I would scramble his egg as he stood and supervised. He ate while I cooked mine. Often he would be greedy and beg for that one too, sometimes before finishing his. I'd say "mind your own breakfast" and he'd ignore me and stare at me as I ate. It was our thing.

This summer he slowly lost interest in the routine, and our eggs, and cheese. But I'm a trooper and still made the eggs, even continuing to do so once or twice a week after he gave them up completely. He still hung out with me in the kitchen and did everything we usually did, except actually eat. He certainly knew that I don't do well with change, so I can't help but wonder if he'd been prepping me for this new normal all summer, taking baby steps and I just never realized it?

Regardless, this the 10th morning without him and it's time for me to at least TRY to pull myself together. The reality that Ziggaro is no longer here super sucks for all of us. That being said, I am quite certain he'd be less than impressed with how I've been handling it - or more accurately, not handling it. Like, I haven't brushed my hair in 4 days. I haven't showered in a week. I've drank too much wine and eaten too much candy. I've even wished for the universe to come take me to be with him (don't worry friends & family I would NEVER EVER hurt myself, just sharing what's honestly going on).  As much as I don't want to, I need to figure out a new normal. This cannot continue.

So, this morning I got out of bed around our normal time. I came downstairs, opened the curtains and made coffee. I dumped out all the wine in the house and emptied the little trashcan in the living room that was filled to the brim with tissues and ten thousand miniature candy wrappers. And I made myself an egg. I haven't eaten it yet and I'm too short on time for the shower I'd planned on before work. Luckily, at least running late is part of what we've always done so I'm being consistent (haha).

Anyway, must finish this up now & head upstairs to cover myself in baby powder and BRUSH MY HAIR. Baby steps, just like he taught me this summer... Momma loves you Ziggaro. I'm trying and won't stop until I pull myself back together. I promise.