It's hard to know when it's just a bad day in the moment. Sometimes they end up just being a bad day. Sometimes things change. It's the progression. I get it. It sucks and makes me paranoid. Even though I understand what's happening, it doesn't always make it easier. In fact, sometimes it's the opposite.

There are these shifts. They happen when you least expect them. Some are small, but you still feel them. Some are significant. It's hard to explain & I can't put into words how it happens. When I'm on edge - I don't care if it's for a couple minutes, hours or a half a year - hearing "you'll know" is not comforting. NOT COMFORTING. The pressure of that is terrifying. TERRIFYING. I know you mean well so thanks, but I'm still respectfully requesting that you shut the fuck up with that shit.

The above goes hand in hand with telling me everything is fine, that he looks great and appears normal. When you say that stuff we both know you're lying. So please, just save it.

Lucky for me, my Ma is honest. We visited her today and had a fabulous time out on the boat. At one point we were talking about Christmas (eeeek I know!) and I said "who knows, maybe Zig will be around then..." She gave me the look that only Moms can give, you know what I mean, loving, firm & full of reality and said "I don't think so Jess, I see him honey." It's what I already know, but needed to HEAR. Thanks Ma, I love you so.